Lessons learned

I've learned a few things from my exes. The following is a list of a few of those things:

1) Give your partner space when they first get home after a long day at work. You can tell them all about your day after they've had a chance to settle in. Serving them a cocktail is sometimes nice.

2) Your partner is their own person. If they find wander off at a festival or museum, as long as they tell you they are wandering off, or are in eye sight, let them have their fun.

3) If your partner walks out during an argument because they need to think, chances are, they're probably trying to keep from decking you....and you need the time to think too.

4) Your partner's friends don't have to like you, or vice versa...as long as you all mutually respect each other for this amazing person you have in common.

5) If you don't like your partners friends, all of them, it's time to think about what it is he/she See's in them...as well as what you see in your partner.

6) Taking separate vacations once in a while, okay. All of the time, not okay. It should feel like your partner wants to explore themselves, rather than escape you.

7) Asking your partner for what you want works better than whining about what you don't have.

8) A relationship that has occasional lulls in sex is okay, and normal (whatever normal means), as long as you are jumping each other's bones when you do have the energy and time.

9) Withholding information that affects your relationship from your partner is not okay.

10) One must hold space for their partners transformation and growth and continue their own process as well. Each must do their own will.

11) It's NOT all about me.

FRIDAY! and grocery stores

Yeah! It's Friday. Awesome! It means for me that other people will have time to spend with me.

I went out yesterday, as I do most week days, to temple, then to yoga or do my home practice, do seva, come home and work on my personal projects...but yesterday was different.

I went out yesterday and needed to go to the grocery store. I dislike the grocery store in a way that is probably unhealthy to a level of specific agoraphobia of the grocery store. Maybe because I have this intense dislike in every cell of my being for grocery stores, I am actually creating terrible grocery store experiences. Hmmmm.....

Yesterday my AHA! moment was at the grocery store, as I was leaving. I needed to get over this. I just had another TERRIBLE grocery store experience, and I went home and shut down for four hours.

I've come to terms with my inner drama queen, so let me tell you what I believe a terrible grocery store experience entails and you be the judge whether or not I am creating this, or if this is something that is really there: Upon first walking in to the store, I saw several small cockroaches scatter into the fresh deli section. Every employee seemed annoyed that the customers were in their way, as we reached for apples or eggs around them as they stocked...after saying excuse me. A woman in the Express Lane for 15 items or less, with a basket FULL of groceries (And, I was in no hurry, so I gave her a pass on being over the limit with the items ) Ordered me to tell her what time it was, and then barked at me to use my savings card. I obliged her with the time, but refused the second, as I am under no one. She was so completely rude to me, and all I was doing was standing behind her in line at the grocery store. Then, leaving the parking lot, climbing a steep hill out of the garage, a young girl in the car behind me keeps pulling up almost into the back seat of my car and is flipping out that my stick shift car is struggling to not slip back and hit her as we all creep out one at a time for the stop sign. She then totally loses it as I try again to get my car into gear without bumping, her because I yell out the window "Stick shifts roll back on hills, you have to give me some room!"...and pulls her car around me and speeds off through the stop sign into the street, very, very unsafely. Not to mention the depressive UV lighting, the screaming children, the people on their phones pushing carts in the opposite direction of where their eyes are facing.....I can go on. But, I won't.

My friend Cat suggested I shop at the local Farmer's Market instead. I'm going to try that. That part gets me out into the sun, the general disposition of people is less hurried, and I can walk there. I live in Hollywood, I can't avoid the roaches. I don't see them in my apartment, but I think it's because my cat eats them. I've caught him once or twice. It's pretty gross....I give him a cat mint breathe after, and avoid him for a bit...but now I'm getting off topic.

So, what exactly what was the AHA! about, you may be asking yourself right now. It was that I have been in this state of internal exploration, going to temple, surrounding myself with people who's energies I enjoy and vibe with. I've been very select with the people I surround myself with, as well as very enforcing of my boundaries. Going out into the General Public in Hollywood, CA, well, it takes a lot of one's breathe to keep the happy bubble blown up. Good thing I've been practicing my pranayama.

How jaded must I have been to be in a physical place 6 days a week where people's negativity and bad attitudes just rolled off my back? Or is that being jaded?

I've been criticised, even disliked, for my ability to let things roll off me. I know that is those persons projections of their inability to do the same, so I don't take it personally. I know I have the power to choose to be happy and I use it.

Why does the grocery store plague me so? Even to the point now, where I'm hungry and we need groceries, and I'd rather sit here and be with my hunger. Grocery store, I will conquer you! I will create a new grocery store experience, clean and full of happy, joyous people and delicious healthy food options! So shall it be!

It felt like the first time a teacher saw me.

Today I went to a free HIV yoga class over the the Center for Yoga in Larchmont. It is taught by Michele Melville.

When I arrived, I was signed in and directed to the upstairs room. About a minute in, the teacher came over and asked if I had ever taken an Ashtanga class before. Aha! I thought, no wonder everyone just dove into their practice, and with such intensity. Turns out the HIV class is downstairs. The front desk peeps assumed I was there for Ashtanga. I get it, I'm young, look healthy and strong, and have practiced there before in the level 2 and 2/3 classes.

After finding the right room, I realized I was in the right place. Really, for the first time, in the "right" class. Michele came over and introduced herself to me, and asked me what my challenges were: Peripheral neuropathy, low blood pressure, sciatica, carpel tunnel syndrome, depression, anxiety and low back pain. I've ticked them off to EVERY teacher I've studied with.

During the course of the class, Michele came over and offered me variations on poses to support my back, suggested dolphin, instead of downward dog, to protect my wrists. With each pose, she addressed each student and it felt like she really saw each and every one of us as unique vessels, and helped us to create a unique practice for our bodies.

When we did the final chant, my voice vibrated with the voices of the other people in the room, with love and gratitude...for ourselves: for getting there, for our teacher: for her time and knowledge, and for the divine: for gifting us with these amazing journeys called life.

In all the classes I've taken, each teacher asks if anyone is injured or has challenges, and then they lead us through a practice as if no one ever said a word about it. Maybe I've been taking the wrong classes. Maybe I've been really successful at hiding how much certain poses hurt. Maybe my ego is too uppity and says I can do the poses, regardless of how my body feels, because the other people in the class can.

Michele said today: "The goal of my class is that you feel better when you leave, than when you came in".

She is an amazing teacher....and for the first time, I felt like a teacher saw me. ME.
As I listed off all my ailments she said "Join the club!" with a cheerful smile.

I did feel better after the class. I felt more open, and a sense of self love. A couple of the students came and introduced themselves to me. I can sense the community they have in the class, it was also evident by the playful chiding of the students amongst each other.

Now, why is Bitsy taking an HIV Yoga class, some of you may be asking. Do I have HIV? The truth is, it's none of your business, but I'll tell you anyways. No. I don't have HIV. What I do have is physical exhibition of symptoms that are commonly exhibited by people who have HIV, along with other auto-immune disorders, and Diabetes as well. I am relatively healthy, but "regular" yoga classes were not addressing these symptoms that I display.

I am also currently developing a yoga program for senior citizens living with HIV, because althoug I am young, I can empathize. Michele's class brought amazing insight to me on how I want to be treated, looked at, and how much we all need to be SEEN.

I will continue to take her class, as I DO feel better now that I did before the class. That to me is a HUGE victory.

And, all the other students in the class, it was like we all saw each other. Knowing we have this common thread, the lack of separateness is so apparent when it comes to the great equalizer of poor health. I am made of the same stuff as them, as them I, and we are all made of the same stuff as the stars.

Can of Worms

Aha! One of those moments.

Oh crap! One of those moments.

Why, why, why? One of those moments.

Anyone else feeling this way lately?

I've been feeling all of these, mostly because I opened what I'm going to refer to as "The Universal can of worms".

I questioned the ethics of everyone around me, after reading this amazing book, "Teaching Yoga" by Donna Farhi. I questioned my own. That was the official opening right there. Questioning myself. Ultimately, I'm not responsible for anyone Else's ethical dilemmas.

Four times in the past week, I've been at the Vedanta Society, where I've been blatantly presented with the possibility of stealing from them, and them never catching me. One time, I went in the temple someone had placed a large sum of money in a donation envelope and put it back into the envelope holder, rather than in the locked donation box. The money was right there, where I was picking up a schedule, and I left it there. I went into the book shop and told the monk at the register, he then left me alone in the book shop to go get it. Another time, I walked in the book shop and the lady at the register gave me back all my money, plus the money that would have been my change. I quickly noted her error to and she thanked me for my honesty. I won't tell you the other time, I'll leave that for another blog.

I've worked places and been in stores where people, especially the employees, and have even had friends who have stolen something, whether it be tangible or not.

I brought up the issue of non-stealing being a yogic principle at a meeting, just prior to my being laid off, and everyone looked at me like I was nuts. Let me remind you, I worked for a yoga studio. And, I sat there, looking into the faces of my co-workers....ripe with the knowledge that I had been privy to each of them stealing at some point..and the worms from that can just spilled out all over the bamboo floors.

Someone posted that it was "Steal from work" day on Tribe.net yesterday. Really? Does anyone out there know that when a company takes a financial loss, due to stealing, that the company has to make up for it in some way, including cutting hours, putting a hold on pay increases and laying people off. So, who are you really stealing from? "The MAN"....or yourself. Because it's all the same, whether we chose to believe it or not.

I'm leaving out all the pondering I did on my own ethical dilemmas, those are between me and the Divine.

What I'm realizing is that I'm in the minority here. Ethics...having one's that are based on principles of love and unity...dare I say P.L.U.R.? Where have they gone?

Irreplaceable?

There is this part in a lot of us where this little ego voice lives, and sometimes she says nice things...but I know they aren't true.

For example, the thought of being irreplaceable. In a job, in a relationship...we all like to think we are indeed irreplaceable. My ego tells me that the job I left behind was one that I did so well, that the company will never find anyone to do it as well as I did and with such joy. I've thought the same things about men who've left too, "Good luck, I'm the best you'll ever have".

But it's simply not true. Take for instance that the manager I replaced, I replaced her before she even knew she was being replaced. I'm sure this company is doing everything they can to find my replacement, already have, or if they are smart, took all the work I did, divided it up into tasks to give the rest of the team (so they have something to do in between catching up with Perez Hilton on line, of course), and saved themselves the cost of my salary.

I know so many of the men I dumped are happily married now, with children and flourishing careers. I was certainly and best replaced in these situations.

I think I only know of one person who felt I was irreplaceable, and he's an empty shell of a man now. He should of told my ego to shut up.

There is this feeling we want to hold on to that tells us that we are special, unique, and totally irreplaceable...but the truth is, we aren't. No matter how amazing we are/were, we will be remembered, but easily replaced.

This is in no way a reflection on us as individuals. In fact, it's the evidence that we aren't even individuals to begin with. We are all part of the same thing. The same, divine energy that passes through you, will resonate through someone else, perhaps in a vibration that is more in tune with the job or the ex.

What does this mean to my poor ego, when I have to tell her she is totally replaceable? I tell her that she's not being replaced, I'm replacing the exterior, I'm protecting her....and I'll get her somewhere safe, where her vibration will be in tune with the universe. It's not even the exterior that would damage her...but the pushing and shoving into the little box that tells her intuition is right and she's got to get out.

So, I'm letting her out. Letting her explore the deepest parts of myself, so that she can see that even though in this world, in this life...she is totally replaceable...ultimately her ever infinite energy is not replaceable, but recyclable...until it dissipates into the Universal energy of course.

Time in abundance

I've hear many times that if you ask the universe for patience, you will be given events or circumstances that allow you to cultivate patience. So goes the old Cliche "Be careful what you wish for".

Recently I was working 6 day work weeks, taking classes 3-4 times a week, and working from home to keep caught up with the endless work corporate kept coming up with.

I had no time to do anything for myself. Each evening was filled with eating dinner and going to bed before 10pm. My spiritual practices, my hobbies, my creative endeavors, even my social life, including my relationship, began to fall by the way side.

I always open my yoga asana practice on the mat with an intent. I kept coming back to one intent, "May I gather love and light into myself, so that I may be a beacon of light to others, and shine light down the paths that I have been, for others".

One has to be specific with the Universe. My intent was one that was pretty general...as if I just kept saying that, the time to cultivate this light would not be necessary.

Well, the Universe has gifted me with time. I spent a few days thinking: "I have lost touch with the ability to do anything except work, work....and do more work..and now that there is no "work".

There is plenty of work for me to do. It just doesn't involve a paycheck or a an ever, over-worked boss.

I've spent the past couple days safely within the walls of the Vedanta temple. Simply sitting, thinking, meditating....I wish I could say the answer magically came to me during one of these sessions. It did, in a way though. I realized I have the TIME to be sitting here. And, that the time I was there, felt timeless. I felt no rush to be anywhere else, I felt peace and contentment.....and the pure bliss of being in those particular moments.

Rarely these days do any of us have the luxury of time, even in the yoga studio, I'd see people arrive late..and then leave 15 minutes early, skipping to me the best part of asana, Savasana.

This is my thank you note to the Universe, for the gift of time. So that I may refine my intent and focus on HOW I will become a beacon of light to others...and therefore fulfill my intent and life's purpose. This time around.

35, unemployed artist in LA.

I turn 35 tomorrow. Not that 35 is old by ANY means. In Fact...I think it's rather young. I still get carded. I look under 35, and the ego is still only 3.
I'm unemployed. Just got laid off. The biggest bummer is the age old question of "WHAT NOW?"
Last week I was looking at my online calendar. I had the whole year of 2010 planned out. I was taking yoga teacher training from the place I worked on a work trade agreement, that was revoked. Apparently a corporation will award a scholarship to someone they trust enough to work hard, but not necessarily actually be a good yogi...because even a "disgruntled" yogi practices non-stealing, so I don't get the distrust there, because by awarding me the scholarship they were supposedly acknowledging their belief in my ability to practice yogic principles. But, I digress.
Now I'm in a state of confusion....I haven't had a day off where I haven't been sick or working from home in so long. I have all this time, but I also have all this fear.
When I was 27 I started doing art modeling, and artistic photographic modeling. I knew that was going to be a short stint...at 27 I was OLD in the modeling world.
I started hoop dancing professionally at the age of 31, and I was OLD in that world too.
Even starting out on my yoga journey, taking my training at the age of 35, I was OLD.
Now, I plan on living until I'm at least 85...and feeling great, living healthy, looking good.
Stay with me..I have a point...
I'm leaving a lot of stuff about me out here, but ultimately...in human form, I am an artist. I express myself in physical ways, I have only been recently thought of as beautiful, or more accurately, accepted that I am.
What is a 35 year old, unemployed, uneducated artist doing in LA? What the heck am I SUPPOSE to do in LA?
I was born and raised in LA county, so I'm no stranger to being broke. But I can't help thinking...maybe people like me, we chose to be born here, we choose to live here, but maybe we don't belong here?
The very real possibility that I may have to wear shoes at my next job is probably going to be the biggest deal breaker when it comes to accepting it or not. Is there a place for people like me?
Having a grassy place to hula hoop is what I dream about for my next home.
Calling friends over to come eat at my table, I often make too much, in LA...getting people to come over is like pulling teeth. And, I get it. Parking is KILLER in LA.
I'm wise and I've been through enough to know that I have the wonderful choice of happiness, regardless of what's going on around me.
I have to be realistic though. 35, unemployed and an artist in LA is hard, I often choose rent over breakfast. I often sit and ponder life in my little apartment, because the gas money it takes to drive out to nature is tight. Even going out to the beach, I have to figure in the cost of parking my car...or a two hour bus trip.
So, time to tap into my artistic genius, call out for his help. Figure out how to make art into money in LA, or figure out a place I can...because compromising myself back into the corporate box is too much, I'm no ethical contortionist.
A 35 year young, unemployed artist might be very happy in the right place...
I think I'll break into the piggy bank and get some change. Maybe drive out to the beach and splurge on some inspiration from Mother Nature, take my hoops. My car has done me right, she deserves a proper parking spot.