And the ER visit pays off

It's been a long arduous journey, the past few years. Most of the friends I have remember me as an active, outgoing, adventurous person. It was not unlike me to run 10 miles, hula hoop for two hours and then go out dancing, watching the sun come up over a sun kissed mountain top...or peeking up the desert horizon. I miss those days. I remember dancing as the sun came up at LIB 2009, "tearing the floor up" as someone near me put it.

A lot of you knew something wasn't quite right. Maybe I talked about it, maybe I didn't. Maybe you didn't notice the excruciating pain that sent me to hide in my tent at events. I tried to hide it, although sometimes I couldn't ignore it. There were times where I talked about nothing but this, and times I withdrew completely.

People asked me..."so, whatever happened to that pain issue?"

Maybe some of you have noticed that I haven't been present at parties or events. Maybe some of you came into the community after I started withdrawing. I don't know. I do know I feel very happy to have met all of you. Even the ones who are only Avatars on Facebook in my life.

Well, I can tell you everything that happened....but I won't. I will say that everything happens for a reason. My back is in this brace and I am in this level of pain, right at this moment and all the moments that have already passed, for a reason.

I am creating a life with a healthy back, one where I am again able to appreciate the body I have, rather than come to resent it. (Although that resentment has led to me learning to leave my body and it's senses behind in thought) I will feel well, and you will come to know me again. As I have transformed, I am not the same person some of you met a few years ago. I am not the same person I was three days ago, when I started Spinal Decompression Therapy and quit smoking. (The power of meditation is amazing, the smell of cigarettes nauseated me after a specific session)

Come talk to me, when I am out. Come see me in my home. If you want to get to know me, here I am. Not as the artistic model, not as the hooper booking gigs, not as the costume designer, not as who you thought I was for a second. Maybe I DO all those things well, but my way of being is quite amazing.

The hoop collective conscience

Lately I've been feeling kind of down, due to the ups and downs of this season in California. Am I spoiled or what? Haha!

Hooping, or hoop dance has been an integral part of my life for the past 4 years. I fell in love with it, and am always trying new things. Sometimes hooping with other hoopers and learning new things, but mostly on my own.

At one point I was watching YouTube videos every day, learning, amongst being a pretty decent hooper, I am also a great mimic. I learned new things very quickly, and sequencing them together in my own style. Sometimes I drill, other times I just put on music and let whatever creativity flows out of me, extend to the hoop.

I've been practicing a new way of hooping lately, because I find that waist hooping, or even on the body hooping has been pretty hard on my spine and back. mostly because I only hooped in one direction for almost two years, until someone enlightened me to become proficient in all directions of a move before moving on. I don't have a name for what I have been flowing like lately, or at least I didn't, until I ran across Caroleeena's channel on Youtube and found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxbtkqhVQH8

She calls it "Off body Punctuation Beats", or something like that. I like it.

It always amazes me, that when I am in my hoop practice, I am generally in my zone, trying new things with the hoop, knowing the physics of the hoop and playfully applying them. I don't even think about what other hoopers might be doing, although I do watch other hoopers for style and trick inspiration.

I used to be at every hoop jam. I used to go to every party and hoop all night. Because of health reasons, I play at home or close to home for the most part now. So, I'm feeling really blessed to be part of this collective conscience that channels through me, and pulls off some swift moves.

When I know I'm being taped, I'm usually pretty shy, or hold back...same thing on stage. It's those moments when I'm in pure, utter hoop bliss, dancing like nobody is watching, that I am the most open and the most receptive. That's when the magic happens.

I've seen a couple videos made unaware to me, and I'm always surprised at how I look. I don't make too many videos, or have my own camera person following me around at events....and when I do see those random videos of me, I think...hmmmm...maybe I should. Those unaware moments, free of fear of being watched or anything, those are the most inspirational ones to me...because, WOW. That's me. And...I'm Good! I had no idea.

QiQong Distance Healing

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Qigong-Distant-Energy-Healing/231712818977

I've been taking part in these QiQong distance healing sessions. Reading through the information, it seemed like it would scientifically be possible. There's also the power of suggestion. If I believe they work, they will...right?

The first one I didn't really sit quietly through, it says you don't have to, and I didn't really feel anything, but I did have crazy dreams leading up to the session, as the message also says might happen. I have pretty crazy, vivid dreams quite a bit though, always have.

The last session was on Thursday of this past week. This time I made myself comfortable, put on a YouTube relaxation meditation video right before the session was to start and laid there, with the intent to fully receive the benefits.

About half an hour in I was in a lucid dream state and had the feeling that I was not inside my body, but somewhere out in the courtyard of my building...lecturing my building manager about the waste of water it took to hose down the courtyard over sweeping it.

I came back to my body and was still in a lucid state, trying to get up, but my bodies reticular activation system had set in, keeping me from moving.

My brain started to feel like the synapses from the left and ride side were bouncing back and forth. I felt like I was hearing an internal vibration, the sound of the Om, connecting the two sides. I started breathing quicker and more shallow. I started to feel my RAS release and I went into Dragon's breath, which increased the vibration and sounds into one solid hum.

After about five minutes in, I returned to regular breathe and felt my body in total relaxation. I was cooked.

I had to get up. I couldn't lay there the entire two hours, it was so intense, my body told me it was time to get up and move. So, I did, slowly and intentionally.

The next day I was out in the courtyard, sweeping the dust, cigarette butts and trash, scooping it up with my dust pan into the garbage.

The closest experience I've had to this was the sound bath I took at the Integratron in Joshua Tree.

http://www.integratron.com/

I encourage you to try this, there is another session tonight or tomorrow night, I believe. Visit the website for more details.

Let me know what you experience.

Walking and Talking

I have a very strong opinion about pedestrians or bicyclists on cell phones. It's about as strong as my opinion on people on cell phones in cars.

It's just not safe, people. It takes away from your ability to pay attention to your surroundings, and sometimes the ability to make intelligent choices.

For example, I don't know how many times I've seen people walking and talking, totally cross the street without looking both ways. Sometimes they almost get hit. I was a pedestrian for two years in LA, and I almost got hit. It's why I don't walk around the city on my cell.

It also takes away your ability to hear out of one ear. Combine that with loud sirens or traffic noise blasting into the other and you won't even hear that person call "Hey watch out!".

I've seen people on cell phones while driving, that seems to not get through people's heads, but bicycling around the city? Really? I mean, maybe I'm just a rookie cyclist, but it requires both hands and my attention. I don't think I could ever text and cycle at the same time.

We all have this intent to stay safe. What steps are we taking towards actually being safe? What is so important that one must be on the phone ALL the time.

Don't even get me started on cell phone brain cancer...lol

The vicious cycle of pain

This morning when I woke up, the sun hadn't come up yet. Another night of sleep interrupted by the deep pain that wracks my body at it's highest peak during the ionic breeze that occurs between 4am and 6am.

I planned on going to yoga class today. That's not going to happen. I'll do my home practice.

I'm suppose to be getting ready for an interview today at the W Hotel, and I realized I don't own a single pair of "nice" shoes. I threw them all out when I started falling so much.

I'm nursing a couple of bruises, obtained when I fell into the coffee table the other night.

I felt great the past week, so I did a lot of catching up with housework, had a hoop gig, had some fun with my boyfriend and friends. It doesn't seem like a lot, but enough to start up the pain cycle.

I read somewhere that 80% of the population lives with some form of chronic pain. I don't know how much of that is a level 10, coupled with leg spasms that render them temporarily disabled. I don't know how many of them work full time jobs.

All I know is that getting a job with health care benefits has been a challenge for me. I've been made some false promises, Companies are keeping hours just under the limit of where you have to give an employee the option, or just plain out: I feel so terrible some days I can't walk, much less get into a car and endanger my life and the lives of others to get to work.

The last job I had, it came down to: During the winter my pain gets worse, and getting people to cover my shifts proved almost impossible, even when I had a days or more notice. I planned a vacation so I could nurse myself and it was denied. I called in sick after going to the Dr's a couple times. Now, I have Dr. bills and no job.

How does 80% of the population live with varying degrees of pain, and how do we as a society remain compassionate to that, while keeping our business running? Seems like a mighty vicious cycle, right?

All over L.A. there are signs that say "STAY HOME IF YOU ARE SICK". The city is plastering all this propaganda about staying home, yet somewhere in the loop they forgot to tell employers. This fake sense of "We Care", is it a scare tactic? Or a way of getting people to stay home so lay-offs can take place without having to extend unemployment?

I was lucky. I got unemployment.

What is going on here? I never had a full understanding of the economic system, but I'm pretty sure this depression we are in, well...it's pretty depressing.

Hollywood, for all it's worth...

Yesterday's California sky was blue and filled with a combination of fluffy white clouds, and a few dark ones here and there. Chris and I got up and started on the packing for our trip pretty early. Around 10am I texted my friend and neighbor Mike and asked him was his day's itinerary was. On it? The Farmer's Market.....Yeah!

Quickly Chris and I got showered and dressed and walked the few blocks down the hill to the Sunday Farmer's Market on Hollywood and Ivar to meet up with Mike. We finally found him, and wandered through the crowd, looking at the flowers, berries and vegetables. I selected a huge bunch of Birds of Paradise, a carton of strawberries, fresh squeezed pomegranate orange juice, some mustard greens and two of the best flans I've ever tasted:
http://www.flan-king.com/

We gathered with a crowd, our arms full, to watch an old fashioned polka band playing, tuba, accordion and all.

On the way out, we picked up some fresh kettle corn and some fresh rain fell on our heads. It was awesome.

After just five minutes of drizzling, the warm sun came bursting out, and we zig zagged our way back home, stopping at our favorite local coffee shop on the way: http://www.sdchollywood.com/

Armed with a nice hot Vanilla soy latte, we walked up Ivar hill, back into the Hollywood Dell. We admired the vegetable gardens of the Vedanta society and took a walk on their grounds.

We got back to our apartment, unloaded, went to visit my dear friend and neighbor Tony, and then made our plans for outing number two of the day.

I've recently been ordering sushi from a place I've never been to, but their take out Menu advertised $1.95 sake and $2.95 sushi. Kazoku: http://www.kazokusushi.com/
The place had a "Cheers" meets sushi bar kind of feel to it. Soon we were laughing with the sushi chef, other customers, while the amazingly pleasant waitress brought us plate after plate of delicious fish. They were showing the Oscars on the large flat screen HDTV behind the sushi bar, it is after all Hollywood, and we had fun commenting on the red carpet show. HDTV is unforgiving.

We made our way back home, where I fulfilled my creative surge by dressing Mike's mannequin, Veronica, in a new flashy outfit, accessories, head piece and all.

Chris and I shared one of the flan, watched the rest of the Oscar's with Tony, watched South Park episodes, then hung out talking and laughing until it was time to go to bed.

Days like yesterday gave me a sense of home in Hollywood. Usually I feel out of sorts, out of place. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was a conscious choice...but yesterday we had fun in Hollywood. Us. The non-bar hoppers, the non-clubbers, the non-douchbaggery participants.
Go Hollywood! There's a reason I love you, deep down.

Lessons learned

I've learned a few things from my exes. The following is a list of a few of those things:

1) Give your partner space when they first get home after a long day at work. You can tell them all about your day after they've had a chance to settle in. Serving them a cocktail is sometimes nice.

2) Your partner is their own person. If they find wander off at a festival or museum, as long as they tell you they are wandering off, or are in eye sight, let them have their fun.

3) If your partner walks out during an argument because they need to think, chances are, they're probably trying to keep from decking you....and you need the time to think too.

4) Your partner's friends don't have to like you, or vice versa...as long as you all mutually respect each other for this amazing person you have in common.

5) If you don't like your partners friends, all of them, it's time to think about what it is he/she See's in them...as well as what you see in your partner.

6) Taking separate vacations once in a while, okay. All of the time, not okay. It should feel like your partner wants to explore themselves, rather than escape you.

7) Asking your partner for what you want works better than whining about what you don't have.

8) A relationship that has occasional lulls in sex is okay, and normal (whatever normal means), as long as you are jumping each other's bones when you do have the energy and time.

9) Withholding information that affects your relationship from your partner is not okay.

10) One must hold space for their partners transformation and growth and continue their own process as well. Each must do their own will.

11) It's NOT all about me.

FRIDAY! and grocery stores

Yeah! It's Friday. Awesome! It means for me that other people will have time to spend with me.

I went out yesterday, as I do most week days, to temple, then to yoga or do my home practice, do seva, come home and work on my personal projects...but yesterday was different.

I went out yesterday and needed to go to the grocery store. I dislike the grocery store in a way that is probably unhealthy to a level of specific agoraphobia of the grocery store. Maybe because I have this intense dislike in every cell of my being for grocery stores, I am actually creating terrible grocery store experiences. Hmmmm.....

Yesterday my AHA! moment was at the grocery store, as I was leaving. I needed to get over this. I just had another TERRIBLE grocery store experience, and I went home and shut down for four hours.

I've come to terms with my inner drama queen, so let me tell you what I believe a terrible grocery store experience entails and you be the judge whether or not I am creating this, or if this is something that is really there: Upon first walking in to the store, I saw several small cockroaches scatter into the fresh deli section. Every employee seemed annoyed that the customers were in their way, as we reached for apples or eggs around them as they stocked...after saying excuse me. A woman in the Express Lane for 15 items or less, with a basket FULL of groceries (And, I was in no hurry, so I gave her a pass on being over the limit with the items ) Ordered me to tell her what time it was, and then barked at me to use my savings card. I obliged her with the time, but refused the second, as I am under no one. She was so completely rude to me, and all I was doing was standing behind her in line at the grocery store. Then, leaving the parking lot, climbing a steep hill out of the garage, a young girl in the car behind me keeps pulling up almost into the back seat of my car and is flipping out that my stick shift car is struggling to not slip back and hit her as we all creep out one at a time for the stop sign. She then totally loses it as I try again to get my car into gear without bumping, her because I yell out the window "Stick shifts roll back on hills, you have to give me some room!"...and pulls her car around me and speeds off through the stop sign into the street, very, very unsafely. Not to mention the depressive UV lighting, the screaming children, the people on their phones pushing carts in the opposite direction of where their eyes are facing.....I can go on. But, I won't.

My friend Cat suggested I shop at the local Farmer's Market instead. I'm going to try that. That part gets me out into the sun, the general disposition of people is less hurried, and I can walk there. I live in Hollywood, I can't avoid the roaches. I don't see them in my apartment, but I think it's because my cat eats them. I've caught him once or twice. It's pretty gross....I give him a cat mint breathe after, and avoid him for a bit...but now I'm getting off topic.

So, what exactly what was the AHA! about, you may be asking yourself right now. It was that I have been in this state of internal exploration, going to temple, surrounding myself with people who's energies I enjoy and vibe with. I've been very select with the people I surround myself with, as well as very enforcing of my boundaries. Going out into the General Public in Hollywood, CA, well, it takes a lot of one's breathe to keep the happy bubble blown up. Good thing I've been practicing my pranayama.

How jaded must I have been to be in a physical place 6 days a week where people's negativity and bad attitudes just rolled off my back? Or is that being jaded?

I've been criticised, even disliked, for my ability to let things roll off me. I know that is those persons projections of their inability to do the same, so I don't take it personally. I know I have the power to choose to be happy and I use it.

Why does the grocery store plague me so? Even to the point now, where I'm hungry and we need groceries, and I'd rather sit here and be with my hunger. Grocery store, I will conquer you! I will create a new grocery store experience, clean and full of happy, joyous people and delicious healthy food options! So shall it be!

It felt like the first time a teacher saw me.

Today I went to a free HIV yoga class over the the Center for Yoga in Larchmont. It is taught by Michele Melville.

When I arrived, I was signed in and directed to the upstairs room. About a minute in, the teacher came over and asked if I had ever taken an Ashtanga class before. Aha! I thought, no wonder everyone just dove into their practice, and with such intensity. Turns out the HIV class is downstairs. The front desk peeps assumed I was there for Ashtanga. I get it, I'm young, look healthy and strong, and have practiced there before in the level 2 and 2/3 classes.

After finding the right room, I realized I was in the right place. Really, for the first time, in the "right" class. Michele came over and introduced herself to me, and asked me what my challenges were: Peripheral neuropathy, low blood pressure, sciatica, carpel tunnel syndrome, depression, anxiety and low back pain. I've ticked them off to EVERY teacher I've studied with.

During the course of the class, Michele came over and offered me variations on poses to support my back, suggested dolphin, instead of downward dog, to protect my wrists. With each pose, she addressed each student and it felt like she really saw each and every one of us as unique vessels, and helped us to create a unique practice for our bodies.

When we did the final chant, my voice vibrated with the voices of the other people in the room, with love and gratitude...for ourselves: for getting there, for our teacher: for her time and knowledge, and for the divine: for gifting us with these amazing journeys called life.

In all the classes I've taken, each teacher asks if anyone is injured or has challenges, and then they lead us through a practice as if no one ever said a word about it. Maybe I've been taking the wrong classes. Maybe I've been really successful at hiding how much certain poses hurt. Maybe my ego is too uppity and says I can do the poses, regardless of how my body feels, because the other people in the class can.

Michele said today: "The goal of my class is that you feel better when you leave, than when you came in".

She is an amazing teacher....and for the first time, I felt like a teacher saw me. ME.
As I listed off all my ailments she said "Join the club!" with a cheerful smile.

I did feel better after the class. I felt more open, and a sense of self love. A couple of the students came and introduced themselves to me. I can sense the community they have in the class, it was also evident by the playful chiding of the students amongst each other.

Now, why is Bitsy taking an HIV Yoga class, some of you may be asking. Do I have HIV? The truth is, it's none of your business, but I'll tell you anyways. No. I don't have HIV. What I do have is physical exhibition of symptoms that are commonly exhibited by people who have HIV, along with other auto-immune disorders, and Diabetes as well. I am relatively healthy, but "regular" yoga classes were not addressing these symptoms that I display.

I am also currently developing a yoga program for senior citizens living with HIV, because althoug I am young, I can empathize. Michele's class brought amazing insight to me on how I want to be treated, looked at, and how much we all need to be SEEN.

I will continue to take her class, as I DO feel better now that I did before the class. That to me is a HUGE victory.

And, all the other students in the class, it was like we all saw each other. Knowing we have this common thread, the lack of separateness is so apparent when it comes to the great equalizer of poor health. I am made of the same stuff as them, as them I, and we are all made of the same stuff as the stars.

Can of Worms

Aha! One of those moments.

Oh crap! One of those moments.

Why, why, why? One of those moments.

Anyone else feeling this way lately?

I've been feeling all of these, mostly because I opened what I'm going to refer to as "The Universal can of worms".

I questioned the ethics of everyone around me, after reading this amazing book, "Teaching Yoga" by Donna Farhi. I questioned my own. That was the official opening right there. Questioning myself. Ultimately, I'm not responsible for anyone Else's ethical dilemmas.

Four times in the past week, I've been at the Vedanta Society, where I've been blatantly presented with the possibility of stealing from them, and them never catching me. One time, I went in the temple someone had placed a large sum of money in a donation envelope and put it back into the envelope holder, rather than in the locked donation box. The money was right there, where I was picking up a schedule, and I left it there. I went into the book shop and told the monk at the register, he then left me alone in the book shop to go get it. Another time, I walked in the book shop and the lady at the register gave me back all my money, plus the money that would have been my change. I quickly noted her error to and she thanked me for my honesty. I won't tell you the other time, I'll leave that for another blog.

I've worked places and been in stores where people, especially the employees, and have even had friends who have stolen something, whether it be tangible or not.

I brought up the issue of non-stealing being a yogic principle at a meeting, just prior to my being laid off, and everyone looked at me like I was nuts. Let me remind you, I worked for a yoga studio. And, I sat there, looking into the faces of my co-workers....ripe with the knowledge that I had been privy to each of them stealing at some point..and the worms from that can just spilled out all over the bamboo floors.

Someone posted that it was "Steal from work" day on Tribe.net yesterday. Really? Does anyone out there know that when a company takes a financial loss, due to stealing, that the company has to make up for it in some way, including cutting hours, putting a hold on pay increases and laying people off. So, who are you really stealing from? "The MAN"....or yourself. Because it's all the same, whether we chose to believe it or not.

I'm leaving out all the pondering I did on my own ethical dilemmas, those are between me and the Divine.

What I'm realizing is that I'm in the minority here. Ethics...having one's that are based on principles of love and unity...dare I say P.L.U.R.? Where have they gone?

Irreplaceable?

There is this part in a lot of us where this little ego voice lives, and sometimes she says nice things...but I know they aren't true.

For example, the thought of being irreplaceable. In a job, in a relationship...we all like to think we are indeed irreplaceable. My ego tells me that the job I left behind was one that I did so well, that the company will never find anyone to do it as well as I did and with such joy. I've thought the same things about men who've left too, "Good luck, I'm the best you'll ever have".

But it's simply not true. Take for instance that the manager I replaced, I replaced her before she even knew she was being replaced. I'm sure this company is doing everything they can to find my replacement, already have, or if they are smart, took all the work I did, divided it up into tasks to give the rest of the team (so they have something to do in between catching up with Perez Hilton on line, of course), and saved themselves the cost of my salary.

I know so many of the men I dumped are happily married now, with children and flourishing careers. I was certainly and best replaced in these situations.

I think I only know of one person who felt I was irreplaceable, and he's an empty shell of a man now. He should of told my ego to shut up.

There is this feeling we want to hold on to that tells us that we are special, unique, and totally irreplaceable...but the truth is, we aren't. No matter how amazing we are/were, we will be remembered, but easily replaced.

This is in no way a reflection on us as individuals. In fact, it's the evidence that we aren't even individuals to begin with. We are all part of the same thing. The same, divine energy that passes through you, will resonate through someone else, perhaps in a vibration that is more in tune with the job or the ex.

What does this mean to my poor ego, when I have to tell her she is totally replaceable? I tell her that she's not being replaced, I'm replacing the exterior, I'm protecting her....and I'll get her somewhere safe, where her vibration will be in tune with the universe. It's not even the exterior that would damage her...but the pushing and shoving into the little box that tells her intuition is right and she's got to get out.

So, I'm letting her out. Letting her explore the deepest parts of myself, so that she can see that even though in this world, in this life...she is totally replaceable...ultimately her ever infinite energy is not replaceable, but recyclable...until it dissipates into the Universal energy of course.

Time in abundance

I've hear many times that if you ask the universe for patience, you will be given events or circumstances that allow you to cultivate patience. So goes the old Cliche "Be careful what you wish for".

Recently I was working 6 day work weeks, taking classes 3-4 times a week, and working from home to keep caught up with the endless work corporate kept coming up with.

I had no time to do anything for myself. Each evening was filled with eating dinner and going to bed before 10pm. My spiritual practices, my hobbies, my creative endeavors, even my social life, including my relationship, began to fall by the way side.

I always open my yoga asana practice on the mat with an intent. I kept coming back to one intent, "May I gather love and light into myself, so that I may be a beacon of light to others, and shine light down the paths that I have been, for others".

One has to be specific with the Universe. My intent was one that was pretty general...as if I just kept saying that, the time to cultivate this light would not be necessary.

Well, the Universe has gifted me with time. I spent a few days thinking: "I have lost touch with the ability to do anything except work, work....and do more work..and now that there is no "work".

There is plenty of work for me to do. It just doesn't involve a paycheck or a an ever, over-worked boss.

I've spent the past couple days safely within the walls of the Vedanta temple. Simply sitting, thinking, meditating....I wish I could say the answer magically came to me during one of these sessions. It did, in a way though. I realized I have the TIME to be sitting here. And, that the time I was there, felt timeless. I felt no rush to be anywhere else, I felt peace and contentment.....and the pure bliss of being in those particular moments.

Rarely these days do any of us have the luxury of time, even in the yoga studio, I'd see people arrive late..and then leave 15 minutes early, skipping to me the best part of asana, Savasana.

This is my thank you note to the Universe, for the gift of time. So that I may refine my intent and focus on HOW I will become a beacon of light to others...and therefore fulfill my intent and life's purpose. This time around.

35, unemployed artist in LA.

I turn 35 tomorrow. Not that 35 is old by ANY means. In Fact...I think it's rather young. I still get carded. I look under 35, and the ego is still only 3.
I'm unemployed. Just got laid off. The biggest bummer is the age old question of "WHAT NOW?"
Last week I was looking at my online calendar. I had the whole year of 2010 planned out. I was taking yoga teacher training from the place I worked on a work trade agreement, that was revoked. Apparently a corporation will award a scholarship to someone they trust enough to work hard, but not necessarily actually be a good yogi...because even a "disgruntled" yogi practices non-stealing, so I don't get the distrust there, because by awarding me the scholarship they were supposedly acknowledging their belief in my ability to practice yogic principles. But, I digress.
Now I'm in a state of confusion....I haven't had a day off where I haven't been sick or working from home in so long. I have all this time, but I also have all this fear.
When I was 27 I started doing art modeling, and artistic photographic modeling. I knew that was going to be a short stint...at 27 I was OLD in the modeling world.
I started hoop dancing professionally at the age of 31, and I was OLD in that world too.
Even starting out on my yoga journey, taking my training at the age of 35, I was OLD.
Now, I plan on living until I'm at least 85...and feeling great, living healthy, looking good.
Stay with me..I have a point...
I'm leaving a lot of stuff about me out here, but ultimately...in human form, I am an artist. I express myself in physical ways, I have only been recently thought of as beautiful, or more accurately, accepted that I am.
What is a 35 year old, unemployed, uneducated artist doing in LA? What the heck am I SUPPOSE to do in LA?
I was born and raised in LA county, so I'm no stranger to being broke. But I can't help thinking...maybe people like me, we chose to be born here, we choose to live here, but maybe we don't belong here?
The very real possibility that I may have to wear shoes at my next job is probably going to be the biggest deal breaker when it comes to accepting it or not. Is there a place for people like me?
Having a grassy place to hula hoop is what I dream about for my next home.
Calling friends over to come eat at my table, I often make too much, in LA...getting people to come over is like pulling teeth. And, I get it. Parking is KILLER in LA.
I'm wise and I've been through enough to know that I have the wonderful choice of happiness, regardless of what's going on around me.
I have to be realistic though. 35, unemployed and an artist in LA is hard, I often choose rent over breakfast. I often sit and ponder life in my little apartment, because the gas money it takes to drive out to nature is tight. Even going out to the beach, I have to figure in the cost of parking my car...or a two hour bus trip.
So, time to tap into my artistic genius, call out for his help. Figure out how to make art into money in LA, or figure out a place I can...because compromising myself back into the corporate box is too much, I'm no ethical contortionist.
A 35 year young, unemployed artist might be very happy in the right place...
I think I'll break into the piggy bank and get some change. Maybe drive out to the beach and splurge on some inspiration from Mother Nature, take my hoops. My car has done me right, she deserves a proper parking spot.